In 3 weeks we will be driving across the country to our new life in West Virginia. It's so hard to prepare for it because I can't really imagine what it's going to be like. Right now all I can really do it appreciate the face off of California. Which I am doing. But this also makes me... not question going but melancholy about going. Now, when we go someplace I think, "This could be the last time we do this." This is so hard for me because I don't like saying good bye.
I was about to write, "I'm not good at good byes." but then I realized I don't even know what being good at them would mean.
I know, I know this is like going away to college. How you can't really ever be fully ready & leaving is hard & once you get there there's so much new to distract you that you're not sad any more. But the point is I'm sad now because I'm in the sad part.
I'm sad to be taking apart our first home that we made beautiful, & made memories in. Where we started our tradition of telling each other one reason we love each other every night. Where there were balloons everywhere, courtesy of our friends the day we got back from our honeymoon. Where we have a photo collage that I can't look at without remembering the big fight we had about what picture to hang where. Where we handed out 3 pieces of candy on Halloween & carved pumpkins the next day. Where we had our first Christmas tree complete with homemade decorations. Where our nephews have slept in improvised beds. Where I learned to bake bread & cakes that Rebs is much better at decorating than I am. Where we've hosted many, many parties. We've only been here a year but it was a momentous one.
I'm sad to be leaving all the amazing places both metropolitan & natural that northern California has to offer. Oh, the beach. What will I do without a beach? What will I do without taquerias?
I'm sad to be giving up a certain measure of autonomy in my life that comes from living with just one beloved other & having so many resources (including money). I know I willingly chose this life of community & simplicity. But still...
I'm also sad or maybe, more accurately, scared to give up all the trendy clothes, accessories, & make up that I use to move about in the world. These things, as much as I hate to admit it, give me a certain confidence that I will miss.
But mostly, I just so sad to be moving away from all the wonderful friends we have here in California. We are so friend-rich here, we are so blessed. I'm just so saddened & frightened by the thought that these relationships will change with our move. It is inevitable. And of course, we are not ending these friendships but the truth is some of them will end. And all of them will change.
All summer we have been working the hang-out-with-us while you-still-can angle. And have had such great fun. I have laughed so much. I have been so encouraged. I have learned & challenged to grow. I have been so filled with gratitude. And it was all so effortless.
I do not take effortlessness for granted. I know it will have to be nurtured with the new people we will meet.
But no matter how sad I am I am still certain that this is the right path for us.
And so, we have begun to pack. And purge. And remember.
And I need your prayers. Because it is sad.
