well... WORK!

Where have I been?" you say? "If you want to be a blogger, you actually have to blog." you say?

Yeah. Yeah I know but I also need to live a bit so I have stuff to write about. And the truth is I've been diligently working the past few days so that I can take all of next week off from work!!! Trust me it's needed. By this Sunday, I'll have worked 15 days in a row without a a single day that didn't include some sort of work, work related task, or driving up to work. :(

Today & tomorrow will be spent at a work related conference.  Which, I am taking my own sweet time actually getting to today because there been quite a few-work related late nights lately.

So, to sum up: WORK

And: expect good, fun post next week during my work-freeness.

Also, I want to post the talk I gave on Wed. but it will be hard because I can't just cut & past. :P

just discovered

The secret to inspiration in my office: laying on the floor in front of the space heater with a (good)smelly candles & writing in colored makers. 

Thank God:

I work in a building by myself.

I have enough written that the talk should be OK.

Just in case: keep your fingers crossed.

Thanks.

i'm nervous

*image from sockmonkey.com

Nervous monkey. I have to give a talk to night at church. I think I built it up too much in my head. This is a short little talk. And I do this all the time and usually I love it. But it's also usually in front of teens or elderly or people who have no knowledge of the subject I'm talking about thus making my every word a slice of pizza to their late-night-college-student jonesin' ears.  But I've even honest-to-goodness preached at masses before & loved it. This will be the same crowd. An open crowd. A good-willing crowd. A well-wishing crowd. An admiring crowd even.

So why am I so stressed? Perhaps because this talk is about my own little personal faith, which is always in flux.   Yea, I'm fluxin'. 

Or it's the loss of my shiny, bouncy power animal.

hair-ibles

Nothing like following up a long, thoughtful post with a rant about the hairs but this is what you get.

So, immediately after the Thailand honeymoon (I'm not bragging I just like the feel of that phrase in my mouth) I chopped off a large portion of my hairs. Documented here.

I hate it. I did it after growing the hair to wedding portions & sweating through the Thailand jungle (yum!) & at the time it felt so heavy & hot.  It enjoyed my hair freedom for about a week & then started to regret it.  This has been compounded by:

• The teens in the ministry telling me I lost my "street cred" because now they don't mistake me for one of them anymore.
• my fellow youth minsiters who are all guys saying, "Why'd you cut your hair? It looks bad. We miss your old hair." Bitches! Men should tell all women they are beautiful all the time everytime, no matter what.  I never tell them their unshaven faces are scraggle monkey ugly.
• Since the haircut I haven't been carded once. Not once. A serious sudden drop in carding. I was even called ma'am for the first time in my life.
• I had all my bridesmaids over for dinner & they told me I looked like a housewife.  Shouldn't I at least get to live in a house before I start to look like one.
• I just don't know how to style it! I straighten it & look like Nancy Pelosi or leave it curly & look like Roxie Heart in the movie version of Chicago before Richard Gere made her get  a trim for trial.  That's right, like a trashy, murderin' flapper & I didn't even get the dance skills to pay the rent.

In short, my long hair was my fountain of youth*, my power animal*, my one beauty*, my snowy day* my pillar of fire*, my little black dress*, AND was so much easier to deal with when I could always fall back on the bouncy ponytail.

Now, I got nothing.

Although Rebs says he likes it better this way. Yep, still got that guy wrapped around my little finger.

Also, this bad hair is dredging up bad, bad memories of sixth through eleventh grade when I had a frizzy uncontrollable mass of hair that would fill up the entire frame of my school pictures.  I waited for years to gain the skills that would allow me to wear my hair down, without hair ties, bobbly pins, clips, barrettes, nothing. Down. This was a goal of my life for years & once I accomplished it I should have signed a contract with myself to NEVER do anything that would jeopardize my hair freedom.

WAAAIIIILLLL! Gnashing of teeth! rending of cloak! (But not pulling of hair because, obviously, I'm trying to grow it out.)

*If you know all these references you are my soulmate & perhaps we should ditch Rebs & run off to Bali together.

Paco, this is why...

The night, the glorious night that Barack Obama was elected as the 44th president of the United States of America I went to bed happy & hopeful & relieved & worn out from crying, screaming, & singing with joy.

Then I had a dream.  I dream I met my dad & he was sad about the result of the election & I had to explain to him why I thought Obama was a great choice.

I don't know what my dream reasons were but here are some of my current reasons. This is not a exhaustive list.

1. He is articulate. This is extremely important to me.  I cannot believe in the intelligence of a leader who speaks in English in a way that requires interpretation. Even if they are doing it to appeal to the "ordinary folk"  I don't want a leader who is ordinary folk. I think leaders should be held to a higher standard in everything including speech. I think if you are going into politics & didn't pay enough attention in even high school English & speech classes than maybe you should brush up before the campaign.

2. He is willing to sit down with leaders of foreign countries.  I want our country to consider diplomacy as the first rational step to conflict rather than a sign of weakness.  I want us to exhaust every other option before we commit ourselves & resources to the killing of soldiers & innocents.

3. I truly believe Obama's positions are more inline with Catholic Social Teaching.  That the ideas of respect for life, rights & responsibility to community, the dignity of work, care for God's creation, & preferential options for the poor were all evident in his policies. I'm OK with leaning a bit towards socialism, I think there was good in socialism. However, I don't really think what he is proposing is socialism (anymore than the recent bailouts) that was just a convenient word use to scare people away.

4. I'm hoping a for redefinition of a few traditional conceits. The first one is the definition of masculinity.  (Are you thinking, "Whoa, that's a bit out there." Well, it's not. I majored in Feminist Literature & worked/volunteer as Socialization & Gender Roles teacher).  What I mean is that we have a very narrow definition of what it means to "BE A MAN" in our society  now day ( I do think this is bit of the backlash from the latest feminist movement. But, seriously, focus on Obama, one issue at a time.)  I'm hoping that having a man like Obama in such a position of leadership will help expand the definition of masculinity to include care-taking, listening, faithful, intentional, open, & thoughtful. 

6. I'm also hoping for a new dialogue to be opened about forgiveness in regards to peace & justice.  I have always, always since September 11, 2001 been against the idea of war as a solution to the problem, We did not have a clear objective in going to this war, a good, long term plan, or enough evidence that it was the right thing to do. According the Catholic standards of just war, this just isn't it. I would like us, as a nation to explore the ideas of forgiveness as a necessary part of the healing process. Not just in regards to 911 but also all situations of pain & violence.  

(Ahhh! I'm just not as articulate as I would like to be on this topic.  But we just showed a great film at ministry last night that is articulate & beautiful & so thought-provoking & challenging. Check it out: The Power of Forgiveness.)

6. Joe Biden. Yes, he's been in Washington forever & you can contend that he was picked to counter the little-experience argument. AND he's a bit of a wild card on a microphone but I appreciate the fact that Obama picked someone who does not believe exactly everything that Obama does.  Having to talk out your position with someone who does not agree with you can be very healthy. (Talking out your position with someone who is more intelligent than you & is using you as a puppet in their evil plans to take over the world is not.  Sorry, I'm still getting over my trauma at the hands of the current administration).

7. "I will listen to you, especially when we disagree."  I love this.  I aspire to this.  This is so much more helpful to hear rather than a leader who says, "I'm the decider." & forges ahead without stopping to consider if he knows where we're going or if anyone is following. I know this is not humanly possible for Obama to literally listen to all of us but the fact that he knows listening is important warms me to the heart.

8. "The road ahead will be long. Our climb will be steep. We may not get there in one year or even one term, but America- I have never been more hopeful than I am tonight that we will get there. I promise you- we as a people will get there. There will be setbacks & false starts. There are many who won't agree with every decision or policy I make as President, & we know that government can't solve every problem. But I will always be honest with you about the challenges we face." I feel hopeful by how reality-based this speech is. He doesn't try to sugar-coat the situation we are in now nor does he promise the all of problems will be magically fixed. I want a leader who is aware of the world outside of his own inner circle.

9. Yes, he's new, he's relatively untested, he hasn't been in politics long.  I'm not hearing the down-side here.  The old guard hasn't done us any favors lately. I think if things are not going well we need to change, we need the new. Also, I know when I'm new to a job I work harder to impress everyone. I'm on my toes & more open to learning because I recognize that I don't know everything yet.

10. "So let us summon a new spirit of patriotism; of service & responsibility where each of us resolves to pitch in & work harder & look after not only ourselves, but each other... In this country we rise & fall as one nation, as one people."  I appreciate that fact that he reminds us all that we have a part to play. That some self-sacrifice is needed.  When our nation is at war or in economic crisis or our planet is in danger we need a leader who calls on each of us to do our part, to give up a little, & to take responsibility. We should all be challenged to sacrifice at a time like this & to care for one another.

9. Finally, I hope that the election of Obama signals that we, as a nation, recognize that the path we have been on for the past 8 years is terribly, terribly wrong. That we are all called to be better & do better.  I hope this election signals that we are craving change.  I feel hopeful by how many more people were inspired to participate in the process this year.  I am thankful that more people staying informed about politics now or whatever reason. 

For me, it's because I no longer feel so helpless every time I listen to the news. 

Thanks for the hope. I needed that.

Paco & I probably won't ever talk about this because he is a one issue voter (pro-life) & we can't find common ground (thanks to his daily doses of Focus on the Family) & personally, the few times a year when I see him I'd much rather revel in his company than preach.

So, thanks for listening.

*all quotes taken from Barak Obama's acceptance speech 11/4/08

just got kicked out

of the bed where Rebs is trying to be all spiritual & procrastinate-y finishing his stuff for his reconciliation service tomorrow BECAUSE 

I just spent the last 3 minutes frantically typing in the name of EVERYONE I could think of into the Palin BabyNamer & laughing hysterically at each & everyone of the results.

He's is still whispering, "I need you to please go."

and so I must.

rebs would be...

Just did Rebs (hopefully obvious- not his real name) on the Palin link & he would be....

Revolver Trooper Palin

Why are ours both ways to kill people?

FREAKY!!!!

this is not a test...

This is 2 things from my day that make me smile.

1. Ironic smile:

Yesterday I got a new phone in my office after 3.5 years of horrible static interruption that required me to turn off the radio, fan, space heater, paper shredder & close the window so I would have even the tiniest chance of hearing who was on the other line.

Today my new, glorious, & fully charged phone rings I prepare myself for the first momentous hopefully clear as a bell call, take a breath, answer it & hear....

a telemarketer recording.

But dang, could I hear.

2. Slightly superior, infinitely amused smile:

If you click on this link you can find out what your name would be if Sarah Palin was your mama (the horror!).

I would be Stepper Choke Palin.

I probably wouldn't get into Griffyndor with that name. Or youth ministry for that matter.

Now, you try. Then, come back & tell me what your name would be.

beauty

Once, in awhile, one of the teens in the ministry bowls me over with their insight & wisdom. 

Once, one of them said, "You know you've found beauty when you can see it in something ugly."

To me this is TRUTH & it is profound. I don't know if everyone would consider it so but it twang a chord with me because it articulated something that I have experienced & believed since working at the crisis center as a JV.  

I feel like I see beauty the most in suffering. I think hope is the most beautiful thing. I think that people are more able to experience & express love in situations of suffering. I think when horrible things happen we realize how fragile we all are & we our connections with each other more deeply.*

I think that's when we are most able to bring God's kingdom to earth.

Which, to me, means love.

I learned, when walking into crisis situations when I felt like I had nothing to offer someone who had just suffered a horrible assault, all I really had to do was to be present, to enter into the suffering with the other person & allow them to just BE, however they needed to be. That was where healing happened. 

Later, perhaps, they would want answers to questions, or a sounding board, or a hand to squeeze. But what was most important was to offer an open heart.

And when you are able to open your heart to other's suffering what you are left with is an open heart. A heart that is more open to experience the world, all of it: the joy, beauty, pain, challenges, everything.

Since my time at the crisis center my open heart has not shut & now I am much more open. Much more likely to cry at, well, ANYTHING, actually.  I'm more likely to see the beauty in the ugly & suffering.  

Sometimes it gets a bit soggy but I wouldn't trade it for anything.

And that is why I love FREEEEE-DAHHHHH (Frida Kahlo, for those who haven't been paying attention.)   Because she painted all the pain & suffering in her life & it is beautiful.  And she lived this bright, amazing life. So if you get a chance go see the exhibit.  I'll be going again.

* Of course, this does not make me glad that there is 

suffering in the world. I hate it & would eliminate all 

suffering if I could.

calm down, buddy

I am working/writing in a coffeehouse this morning to postpone the loneliness of my office for another hour or two (it's especially hard to face after such a long Sunday). The guy sitting at the table next to me is bouncing his knee up & down like it's what's powering his laptop.  It's stressing me out. 

Also, the way he keeps straining to look at the clock makes me think he's cramming to get a paper done before class. 

Or he's just had too much caffeine. 

Or he's trying to stay warm since it's in the 50's & he's wearing shorts.  

Regardless, that fact that I can see it is making me feel jumpy, which is the exact opposite of the feeling I'm going for when I finally sit down to journal & pray.

Would this be considered a boundary issue?  How can I disconnect so that this tiny peripheral annoyance doesn't salt my game?

forgive me, i'm new

Today for the second time I dog-sat for our neighbors JJ. They have an elderly toothless chihuahua. This is not a picture of him but it is basically what he looks like.  He's rather high maintenance in my opinion but since I've never owned a dog - how can I rightly judge that? Overall, I think he's a pretty cute in a helpless, affection whore, growl your face off with absolutely nothing to back it up, your daddies spoil you, stop licking me sort of way.

Rebs & I took him for a walk & he kept complaining that there was slack in the leash. I was about to ask, "Why does that matter???" when Nemo's legs got all caught up in to leash. 

Oh. 

I really hate when other people tell me what to do & when they are right.

When we get a dog it will be much bigger so when I walk it at night I will feel a bit protected. Now so much with the chihuahua.

boo

I'm in a bad mood. I watched Pretty Woman alone tonight. Watching romantic comedies alone almost always puts me in a bad mood. I want my life to be a romantic comedy. Sorry if this sounds ungrateful but that's where I'm wallowing right now.

PS: It was an anniversary edition of the movie & there were extra scenes that we are all glad they cut out. In the long version Vivane & Edward even ride horses together on their date. Totally wrecks the realism of the movie.... :P

tired monkey

I am one. I was at my office today for 10 hours. Please note I did not say I was working for 10 hours because that is not the truth but I was there which meant:

I was not easy like Sunday morning.

I was not making banana pancakes with the husband.

I was not lying on a beach feeling the warm rays soak into my skin while the sound of the waves reminded me, "Peace. Peace." which is what waves always tell me.

I was not lying on the sunny spots of the carpet in my parents sunroom reading the Sunday comics.

I was not organizing my closet.

I was not getting the second & much-longed for facial of my life.

I was not hiking around tiny waterfalls or autumn flavored trees.

I was not reading poetry by Mary Oliver, Hafiz, or e.e. cummings.

I was not doing laundry.

I was not hanging out with my grandparents or my beautiful & crazy nephew, Cowboy.

I was not sitting in the hot tub.

I was not creating, shopping for, & making a healthy meal.

I was not sitting in a coffee shop & journaling.

I didn't even sit on the porch of my office & enjoy the great view there.

My point is two-fold:

1. I'm tired & about to eat chips & salsa for dinner.

2. I shouldn't complain because chances are on my next day off I won't do most of these things either.  I need to seize those days!!!

i have not forgotten

I've been wanting to blog about the election but things are so busy right now. Give me a day. For now a funny pic.

today

I am BraveHeart & my battlecry is  "FREEEE-DAHHHH!" I can't wait until Saturday.

Poor Rebs.

Now, I'm off to vote. Now, you go!

Word.

but on the bright side

SYNCHRONICITY!!!

Frida Kahlo's work is on display at the San Jose Museum of Art!!! Oh, wait as I was getting the link I realized that they don't actually have much of her work rather it is photographs of her. But that works too because I just watched the movie & read one of her biographies (including footnotes, I'm a dork.) & in general have been obsessed with Frida lately. YAY!!! I CANNOT WAIT to go check this out!

I do this. I get a bit crazy when I see a movie or read a book I like & them I want to find out EVERYTHING I can about that person (it's usually a person). Past bio-plunges have included: Truman Capote, Queen Elizabeth, Anne Boleyn, Evita, the Phantom of the Opera, Dr. Drew, Van Gough... & that's all that I can list off the top of my head.  

somethings that got me down today

are the following:

1. I went to return something at a store & a teenage girl was excitedly talking to a friend on her phone about finding colored jeans with zippers at the ankle.
   
2. This reminded me of running in above mentioned jeans in elementary school gym while our teacher played one of these 3 songs: La Bamba, Achy Breaky Heart, & the one by the Beach Boys that says, "Hey baby why don't we go..." & then lists a bunch of islands. Seriously, that was it. It must have been a very short mixed tape made by her one true love & she played it all the time. No wonder I hate running.
   
3. At the same store another girl was wearing IN PUBLIC the same pajamas I just bought only with rocket ships on them. IN PUBLIC & with imitation Uggs!  Do I even need to reassure you that I have officially graduated from said store & will not be shopping there again?
4. I saw a woman buy 2 tallboys for herself & a hot cocoa for her 5? 6? 7? year-old daughter  at a 7-11 & then proceed to light up a cigarette & begin screaming into a cell phone before getting in to a car with her daughter.

Perhaps I'm being too judgmental or perhaps I'm running with the wrong crowd but these things made me think, "What is the world coming too?"

Hoping, hoping that it will be coming to something AWESOME with tomorrow's election. Which leads me to the last & final thing that got me down.

5. I realized that instead of obsessively watching the election results come in tomorrow (preferably surrounded by friends, likeminded & otherwise at a local watering hole since we do not have a television with a connection to, well, TV) I'm supposed to be in a class that is only loosely related to what I am doing with my life, that I am attending under duress anyway, & for which there is no credit at the end. 

MORAL DILEMMA! I really, really want to skip.  I'l probably refer this decision to Rebs, my own personal, Jimminy Cricket.

But my vote will be my own.

throwback

to schooldays.  My BBF & I would write our notes to each other in a thin Crayola marker in a color that represented the boy we currently had a crush on, because, let's face it that was mostly what the notes were about. 

Today I wrote my to-do list in this color which was the color for a boy I had a crush on in 11th grade. We meet at a coffeehouse we spent every Friday night at. We never actually dated. Unrequited, you know.

I could go for some coffee now. My office is COLD!

ok, the truth is

i've wanted to blog for a while but the true catalyst for this is that Rebs & I have a major desicion to make.  

HUGE. 

ENORMOUS. 

But I still don't know if I'm ready to hash it all out yet. Even though it is ALWAYS ON MY MIND.  So for now can I just say we're considering joining another volunteer program.

A volunteer program that would require us to leave behind nearly all of our possessions, travel across the country, live in a very simple & communal way on a farm, & work harder than we ever have in our entire lives ever for an undetermined amount of time.

Seriously.

I am not making this up nor am I exaggerating.

But like I said I'm just not ready to hash this all out yet. So for now let me say we are discerning Farmyland. (Farmyland because I don't want to get too specific yet.) And in discerning Farmyland we could use your prayers. Lots of them.

More hashing to come. Lots more.

saturday night fun

We found a Magic Love Reminder.  What is a Magic Love Reminder you ask? I'll tell you, they are scattered all over our abode by the lovely & thoughtful Arbusto who was kind enough to housesit for us whilst we traipsed through Thailand.  A Magic Love Reminder is a fun & loving activity to be completed by Rebs & I & then documented ( I won't say scrap-booked because I don't wanna scrap book).

Anyway, this MLR had us play a game of Jenga & tell each other one reason we are glad we are married for each block we pulled.  Some highlights:

We are glad we got married because...

• We will always & forever be known as the ------. (In the interest of staying anon I'm not going to finish this sentence.
  
• We are figuring out what our life will be like/include together.
  
• We are becoming better people by having to admit we're wrong sometimes & apologizing & being humble.
  
• We are learning new things from each other like cooking & hanging pictures & crating teambuilding boxes.*
  
• We get to sleep together. :)
  
• We get to plan & take many, many more vacation together.
  
• We learning more about love & how to love & how God must love us.
  
• We feel pride in saying, "That's my wife/husband."
  
• We get to wake up together.
  
• We get to come home to each other.
  

There were more but that's all I can think of right now.

We also added wine & eating the pumpkin seeds I had roasted after carving my pumpkins 1 day late to the mix.  Wine + Jenga = a tricky business. Of course, since I have a lower tolerance (ie. 1/2 a glass) I knocked over the tower.  It was bound to happen if wasn't the wine it would have been the cockiness...

*More on that later.

since you asked

Well, not really but I know you were thinking it. Rebs dressed up as a mug shot with a Mugs Root Beer hat & a t-shirt with a bullet hole in it. 

Total time spent making costume: 10 minutes, tops.

Number of times costume needed explaining: Many.

I went as a Geek Goddess. A traditional toga-type costume with dorky acessories, including pocket protector. Total time spent making costume: 1 hour- 1 hour 1/2.

Number of times costume needed explaining: Many.

Why bother?

last night

was Halloween.  Having gone to our costume party last Saturday, Rebs & I celebrated by staying home & handing out candy to all of the 6 kids that came to our door. Because we live on the second floor of the apartment building I'm guessing kids couldn't see  our sign that said, "Trick or Treaters welcome." Now I'm thinking of all the things we could have done to make it a bit more welcoming but it's a bit too late.

We also watched The Blob: very funny & surprisingly gory. I would have thought the blob would have just covered it's victims & that would be it but NO. The blob is acidic & people dissolve while being blobbed. So, so gross. But the bad acting, bad hair, & lose plot kept me in the game.

I made chocolate chip muffins but all the chips sunk to the bottom. I've never eaten a chocolate chip muffin like that so what's the secret to keeping the chips afloat? I must know... 

it's raining!

Here in California! Yay! It is beautiful! Perfect sleeping in weather which is what Rebs is doing right now. Although it does put a bit of a damper on our plans to ride our bikes to the farmer's market. Oh well, plenty of other fun things to do on a rainy day!

Like blog.

i'm a bit of an addict

to comics strips.  This is one of my favorite ones. I'd put an example in here but I'm a bit worried about copyright laws.  Wait, it's not like I'm saying I wrote it right? Good point.  Here it is: